7th Heaven: 7th Hell
by Professor Dare
Summary: It's the last time they'll all be together. A twisted murderer enters Glen Oak and disposes of Camden family members and friends.


NOTE: Dan and Dougie (both the characters and the ACTORS) are completely fictional. This is a SATIRE. I apologize ahead of time if anyone is offended by the somewhat "off color" nature of this piece. :)  
  
--  
  
"It's the last time they'll all be together.  
  
Daniel Dare and Dougie Yoder guest star on a very special edition of 7th Heaven.  
  
Next on The WB!"  
  
(The show opens with Roxanne, a female cop, talking to her male partner, Kevin, who is Lucy's husband. They are at the police station.)  
  
ROXANNE: "I met THE MOST GORGEOUS MAN. His name is Dan. He's a bit on the WILD SIDE!"  
  
KEVIN: "(Squinting) Wild side? I'm not sure I like the sound of that.  
  
ROXANNE: "(Smiling) Will you RELAX! I'm a COP. I can take care of myself."  
  
KEVIN: "(In a monotone bad actor's voice) Oookay, if you say so."  
  
ROXANNE: "He's great. He looks out for the HANDICAPPED (winks). You should SEE how he is with his friend, Dougie."  
  
KEVIN: "(Repeating himself) Oookay."  
  
(Switch to the credits and opening song.)  
  
Stephen Collins - Reverend Eric Camden  
Catherine Hicks - Annie Jackson-Camden  
David Gallagher - Simon Camden  
Jessica Biel - Mary Camden  
Beverley Mitchell - Lucy Camden-Kinkirk  
MacKenzie Rosman - Ruthie Camden  
Lorenzo Brino - Sam Camden (TWIN #1)  
Nikolas Brino - David Camden (TWIN #2)  
George Stults - Kevin Kinkirk  
Ashlee Simpson - Cecilia Smith  
Rachel Blanchard - Roxanne Richardson  
Tyler Hoechlin - Martin  
Happy (Dog) - Happy  
  
-- COMMERCIAL --  
  
(The scene starts with a moving view of the streets of Glen Oak, California as guest star credits flash on the screen.)  
  
"Also Starring  
  
Christopher Michael as 'Captain Michaels'  
  
Ed Begley Jr. as 'Dr. Hastings'  
  
Special Guest Stars  
  
Dougie Yoder as 'Dougie'  
  
And Daniel Dare as 'Dan' "  
  
(The scene opens with Annie PMSing to her husband, Reverend Eric - in other words, a regular day on 7th Heaven.)  
  
ANNIE: "I can't take this anymore!!! Simon is home, but all he and Martin have done is FIGHT!"  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "I'm worried about Martin. I think he might have sex."  
  
ANNIE: "(Bitching loudly) OOOH! Enough already! Can't you help out around here for once??? Go bathe the twins!!!"  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "(Totally whipped) Yes, dear. If you need anything else from me, don't hesitate to let me know."  
  
(The scene switches to Lucy, the crazy daughter, bitching to the 4-year-old twins.)  
  
LUCY: "(In a rage) UUUUUGGGGGHHHH! Kevin is LATE from work AGAIN. I just KNOW he's doing something with Roxanne!!!"  
  
SAM - TWIN #1: "He's doing something with Roxanne. She's pwetty."  
  
DAVID - TWIN #2: "Yah, Roxanne is vewwy pretty."  
  
(Lucy angrily storms off and bumps into her father, the Reverend, as he walks up the stairs. The scene switches again to Roxanne and Kevin in the Promenade - an outside area with lots of restaurants and stores. Roxanne and Kevin are eating pizza.)  
  
ROXANNE: "I can't wait for you to meet him. He's SO amazing."  
  
KEVIN: "I hope you know what you're doing, Roxanne."  
  
(Suddenly, Daniel Dare - "Dan" - appears. He and Roxanne share a passionate kiss.)  
  
DAN: "(Extends his hand to Kevin) Nice to meet you. Roxy has told me a lot about you."  
  
KEVIN: "Roxy?"  
  
ROXANNE: "(Giggle) It's Dan's pet name for me. Isn't it so romantic?"  
  
KEVIN: "Uh...I guess."  
  
(Dougie Yoder - "Dougie" - enters the scene.)  
  
DAN: "(With a bit of disgust) THIS is Dougie."  
  
KEVIN: "Nice to meet you, Dougie."  
  
DOUGIE: "Hiiiiii!!!"  
  
(Dougie slams his face down against the pizza pie and starts slobbering.)  
  
DAN: "(Irritated) We have to go! Roxanne, I'll meet you tomorrow at noon right here. Okay, baby?"  
  
ROXANNE: "(In love) Anything for you."  
  
(Dan drags Dougie away.)  
  
KEVIN: "Well, that was...interesting!"  
  
ROXANNE: "(Picks up on Kevin's negative vibe) Kevin Kinkirk, this is the man I love. If you can't support me, I never want to talk to you again!"  
  
(Roxanne storms off.)  
  
KEVIN: "(Befuddled) What? What did I say?"  
  
-- COMMERCIAL --  
  
(The scene opens outside of the Camden house. Dan, Dougie, and Roxanne are by the front door.)  
  
DAN: "Dougie, now listen to me very carefully. I need you to stay outside."  
  
DOUGIE: "(Crying) Why?"  
  
DAN: "Just please do what I say."  
  
(With that, Roxanne excitedly leads Dan inside the house - into the kitchen. Annie is in the kitchen with Ruthie, her youngest daughter. She is 13 and a know-it-all.)  
  
ROXANNE: "Hey, everyone, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend. His name is Dan!"  
  
ANNIE: "Hello, Dan. Will you be staying for dinner? (Frazzled) I didn't plan on having houseguests, but I can set an extra plate for you and Roxanne, of course."  
  
ROXANNE: "(Beaming) Thank you SO much. That would be GREAT!"  
  
(Suddenly, Dougie pops through the door.)  
  
DOUGIE: "Hiiii. I need a place to stay."  
  
ANNIE: "Of course, of course. You can stay here as long as you like."  
  
RUTHIE: "Uh, Mom, we don't even know this guy."  
  
(Rev. Eric comes downstairs with the twins.)  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "(To Dougie) You are always welcome in our home. Please, like my wife just said, stay here as long as you need to."  
  
ANNIE: "(In a baby talk voice) Dougie, why don't you go watch TV with the twins)?"  
  
(Martin comes down wearing his baseball uniform and bat. He is about to head outside when the Reverend stops him.)  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "(Concerned) Where are you going?"  
  
MARTIN: "(Still irritated about a sex talk that he and the Rev. had earlier in the week) To have LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX!"  
  
(Martin rushes out the door.)  
  
DAN: "I'll go talk to him."  
  
(The scene switches to Dougie and the twins watching TV.)  
  
TV: "Who lives in a cage and teaches morals to you and to me?"  
  
TWINS AND DOUGIE: "Fwankie Da Hamster!"  
  
TV: "Who has better morals that stretch far than the whole giant sea?"  
  
TWINS AND DOUGIE: "Fwankie Da Hamster!"  
  
(Annie rushes into the living room and shuts off the TV.)  
  
ANNIE: "(With the look of the devil) BOYS! What have I told you about watching that FILTH? We do NOT watch the Frankie the Hamster show in this house!"  
  
SAM - TWIN #1: "We're sowwy."  
  
DAVID - TWIN #2: "Yah, vewwy, vewwy sowwy."  
  
ANNIE: "(To Dougie) Why didn't you stop them??? (Yelling) If we're gonna let you live in this house, you have to take more responsibility with the boys!!!"  
  
(Annie grabs the twins and rushes out of the room. Tears streak from Dougie's face. The scene switches to outside of the house. Dan is talking to Martin.)  
  
DAN: "What was THAT all about? That's NO way to talk to a MAN OF THE CLOTH!"  
  
MARTIN: "(Irritated) Look, I don't know who you are, but just leave me alone, okay!"  
  
DAN: "You're right. I apologize for intruding. (Changing the subject) My name is Dan."  
  
MARTIN: "(Calming down) Martin. Look, I'm sorry for the way I snapped at you. It's just that the Rev. thinks I want to have sex when I don't. I know he means well, but he's not my Dad."  
  
DAN: "(Nodding in understanding) So, you a big baseball player?"  
  
MARTIN: "(Smiling) Yeah, my Dad taught me how to play."  
  
DAN: "That's a nice bat you have there."  
  
MARTIN: "(Proudly) Yeah, it--"  
  
(Suddenly, without warning, Dan grabs the bat, covers Martin's mouth with one hand, drags him over into the bushes, and starts beating the living hell out of him with the bat.)  
  
DAN: "(Wild-eyed) That's the problem with you YOUNG PUNKS. NO RESPECT!"  
  
(Dan smashes the bat over Martin's head over and over.)  
  
-- SMASH --  
-- SMASH --  
-- SMASH --  
-- WHAP --  
-- WHAP --  
-- WHAP --  
-- BAM --  
-- BAM --  
-- BAM --  
  
(Martin collapses in a bloody heap. Dan makes sure to throw him inside some bushes.)  
  
-- COMMERCIAL --  
  
(The scene opens with the sound of police and ambulance sirens. Captain Michaels - a black cop with a homosexual flat-top haircut - comes through the door. Most of the family is there, along with Martin's ex-girlfriend, Cecilia. Rev. Eric answers the door.)  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "Captain Michaels? Is everything okay?"  
  
ANNIE: "Did something happen?"  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Somberly) I think you all better sit down. Martin was found unconscious outside of your house just moments ago. Someone viciously attacked him with his own baseball bat. News like this is never easy to break. I'm afraid that Martin is dead."  
  
CECILIA: "(Starts screaming) OHMIGOD, OHMIGOD, OHMIGOD! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "I hate to do this, but I have to ask a few questions. Has anyone new come into the house recently?"  
  
(Everyone stares at Dougie.)  
  
DOUGIE: "Why are you all looking at me wike that?"  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "Now, listen here, son - I'm afraid we're going to have to bring you down to the station for a few questions."  
  
(Fearfully, Dougie tries to run out of the house, but Capt. Michaels and Rev. Eric grab him until he's in cuffs. The scene switches to Lucy and Kevin at the pool hall. They have no idea what has just happened to Martin. Kevin's cell phone is off.)  
  
LUCY: "(Bitchy as always) You're an HOUR late!"  
  
KEVIN: "(Sheepishly) I'm sorry, Luce. I got busy at work."  
  
LUCY: "That is NO excuse. I KNOW you're in love with Roxanne. I'm not pretty enough for you, am I? Why don't you just divorce me and go with her? We both know that's what you really want!"  
  
KEVIN: "(Sighs) STOP IT, Luce. You know you're the only one for me."  
  
LUCY: "(Huffily) No, I DON'T know that. You've been out LATE EVERY SINGLE DAY THIS WEEK...WITH ROXANNE! "  
  
KEVIN: "(Defensively) She's my PARTNER!"  
  
LUCY: "What about ME? I'm your WIFE!"  
  
KEVIN: "(Irritated) It isn't ALWAYS about YOU!"  
  
LUCY: "(Crazily) Just admit it - you're SLEEPING with her, aren't you?"  
  
KEVIN: "NO!!! Look, she has a BOYFRIEND. His name is DAN! The real reason I was out late is because I was trying to convince Roxanne to stay away from him. I don't trust him. There's something not right about him."  
  
LUCY: "(Flips out) WHAT?! She has a BOYFRIEND and you're trying to get her to DUMP him? WHY? So YOU can have her??? That's it, isn't it, Kevin Kinkirk? You're planning to leave me for her, aren't you!"  
  
KEVIN: "I've had enough of this. I'm going home."  
  
LUCY: "No! (Stands up and pushes Kevin out of the way) I'M going home!"  
  
KEVIN: "FINE!"  
  
(As Lucy exits the pool hall, a mysterious dark figure - obviously Dan - grabs her and ducks into an alleyway. The scene then switches to the police station.)  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Shouting) Our suspect, known only as Dougie, has ESCAPED. We NEED to call out an ALL POINTS BULLETIN."  
  
-- COMMERCIAL --  
  
(The scene opens in the Camden family living room. Everyone is mourning the loss of Martin when Capt. Michaels comes in again, this time without knocking.)  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "I don't know how to break this news to you..."  
  
ANNIE: "(Yelling) Just BREAK IT TO US!"  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "Our suspect, Dougie, has escaped, and your daughter Lucy was found beaten half to death in an alleyway by the pool hall."  
  
(Annie starts choking Capt. Michaels.)  
  
ANNIE: "(Screaming) How could you let this happen? How could you let this happen???"  
  
(Kevin pulls her off the Capt.)  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "(Sensibly) How is she doing? Is she okay?"  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Sadly) It doesn't look good, Rev. She's in critical condition, but the good news is that she'll probably make it. However, the effects and trauma of what she went through are unclear at this time."  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "Well, thank God she's still alive."  
  
ANNIE: "(To Kevin, Lucy's husband) Where WERE you? Why weren't you with our daughter???"  
  
(Annie collapses in hysterics into Eric's arms. The scene switches to Pete's Pizza. Dan is enjoying a coke by himself. Heather, the deaf girl, walks up to him.)  
  
HEATHER: "(Using sign language and a toady voice) Hi, my... name... is Heather. How... are you? Can... I... join you?"  
  
DAN: "(A bit taken aback) I don't know too much sign language."  
  
HEATHER: "(Smiling) That's... okay. I... can... read... your... lips."  
  
DAN: "It's getting hot in here. Want to go outside?"  
  
HEATHER: "(Still using sign language) Sure."  
  
(Heather, the deaf girl, follows Dan outside.)  
  
DAN: "(Facing Heather) Come with me."  
  
(Dan leads her behind Pete's Pizza.)  
  
HEATHER: "(Giggling and signing with her hands) Where... are... we... going?  
  
DAN: "(Smiling) Well, I do know SOME sign language."  
  
(Heather laughs. With that, Dan rapidly moves his hands around.)  
  
HEATHER: "(Laughing and signing) What... are... you... doing?"  
  
(Dan continues to move his hands around until he slaps her right across the face with both of his hands. He then flips her the middle finger.)  
  
DAN: "(Cackling) How's THAT for SIGN LANGUAGE, BITCH?"  
  
(Dan runs off laughing as Heather sobs. The scene switches to Dougie being hauled off by the cops.)  
  
STREET COP: "You are under arrest for the murder of Martin (sirens drown out the last name) and the attempted murder of Lucy Camden Kinkirk. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."  
  
DOUGIE: "(Hysterical) I diwwn't do it! I diwwn't do it!"  
  
-- COMMERCIAL --  
  
(The scene opens the next day around Noon. Dan and Roxanne are in the middle of the Promenade. They are naked and having sex in front of everyone.)  
  
ROXANNE: "(Giggling) Are you sure this is okay?"  
  
DAN: "Hey, you're a cop. You can get us out of any hot water. C'mon, babe, this is too good an experience to pass up."  
  
ROXANNE: "(Smiling) This IS pretty romantic."  
  
(Capt. Michaels approaches them out of nowhere.)  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "You two, BREAK IT UP!"  
  
(The police captain hands both of them coats to put over their naked bodies.)  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Finally gets a good look at the female) ROXANNE?"  
  
ROXANNE: "(Suddenly remorseful) Capt. Michaels, I can explain."  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "Both of you will have plenty of time to explain this escapade at the station, believe me!"  
  
(The scene switches to Simon talking to his father, Rev. Eric., in the church.)  
  
SIMON: "(Wiping away his tears) I still can't forgive myself for running over that KID with my car. He was just riding his bike and--"  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "(Forceful) SIMON, that kid was SMOKING MARIJUANA. It was NOT your fault."  
  
SIMON: "(Sniffling) I still can't bear to drive in parks because I'm so afraid that I'll hit another kid. I haven't been able to live with myself since last summer. I know it's been a year already, but I can't stand the thought that I'm responsible for someone's death, that my actions have affected that kid's family for the rest of their lives."  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "(Compassionately) You did NOTHING wrong, son. PLEASE find it in your heart to forgive yourself, because GOD has already forgiven you."  
  
(As Simon tearfully cries into his father's shoulders, the scene switches to a private examining room at the police station. Dan is in Capt. Michaels' face.)  
  
DAN: "No, YOU listen here, (mockingly) CAP! I know the TRUTH about you!"  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Worriedly) What are you talking about?"  
  
DAN: "You and the Reverend, I know all about your little GAY LOVE AFFAIR! You two DINNERMASHERS are LICKING EACH OTHER'S BOOTIES on the sly!"  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Shakily) This is OUTRAGEOUS!"  
  
DAN: "(Takes a few pictures out of his pocket) Is it?"  
  
(Roxanne gasps as she sees several pictures of Capt. Michaels and Rev. Eric "getting it on.")  
  
-- COMMERCIAL --  
  
(The scene opens with Dan, Roxanne, and Capt. Michaels at the police station.)  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Scared) Okay, okay, I'm GAY. Please don't tell anyone! It would ruin my reputation, and more importantly than that, my boyfriend's reputation."  
  
ROXANNE: "(With a devlish grin) Well, Captain, if you don't want MY boyfriend to tell anyone about YOUR boyfriend, we have to hear what you're gonna do for US?"  
  
DAN: "(Laughing) That's my girl!"  
  
(Dan and Roxanne embrace and share a passionate kiss.)  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Petrified) Anything you want, anything at all."  
  
DAN: "How 'bout we just forget about this whole thing? If you're willing to do that, so are we."  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Relieved) Done."  
  
(Dan grabs Capt. Michaels by the balls.)  
  
DAN: "I know this is harder than you're used to, MASHER, but if you EVER get in my way or Roxy's way again, you won't have THESE for your male lovers to suck on. CAPISCHE?"  
  
(The scene switches to of the Camden household. It is later on in the day and Simon and his father are now home sitting out on the porch swings. Suddenly, Dan pulls up with his new Mercedes-Benz.)  
  
SIMON: "(Excitedly eyeing the car) OH WOW, I'd LOVE to drive that!"  
  
DAN: "(Charismatically) Here, take it for a spin."  
  
(Dan tosses Simon the keys.)  
  
SIMON: "(Stammering) I-I don't k-know. See, last year, I was involved in a--"  
  
DAN: "(In an understanding tone) Roxanne told me all about the...incident. I trust you. Look, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll get in the car with you."  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "(Fatherly) It's okay, son. Go on. You need to do this."  
  
SIMON: "(Empowered) You're RIGHT, Dad. (To Dan) Well, what are we waiting for? (Smiling) Let's go CRUISING!"  
  
(The scene switches to a hospital room.)  
  
DR. HASTINGS: "Kevin, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your wife is going to make it, but the bad news is that the trauma of what happened to her has shut down her vocal chords. What that means is that she will never talk again."  
  
KEVIN: "(In shock) You mean she is going to be a MUTE?"  
  
DR. HASTINGS: "Yes, but I am happy to -assure- you that her sexual organs will remain vital. You two can still procreate. I realize that the challenges that are up ahead for the two of us, but thank GOD she's still alive."  
  
KEVIN: "So, let me get this straight... She can't talk, but she can still perform adult relations in the bedroom?  
  
DR. HASTINGS ED BEGLEY JR: "Yes."  
  
KEVIN: "(Starts smiling) Well, all she ever did was WHINE and ACT PARANOID. So, basically, now her trap is shut for good but she can still MAKE BABIES with me. That works for me. Thanks, doc!"  
  
(Lucy silently scowls at her husband. Unfortunately, she can no longer vent her displeasure through words. Thank God! The scene switches to Simon and Dan on the road.)  
  
SIMON: "(Driving) Where are you directing me to?"  
  
DAN: "(Smirking) You'll see."  
  
(Suddenly, Simon and Dan approach the park.)  
  
SIMON: "(Freaking out) NO! Not the park. I can't drive in the park. I thought Roxanne told you!"  
  
(Dan suddenly grabs the wheel.)  
  
SIMON: "(Scared shitless) What the hell are you doing???"  
  
(Dan gleefully runs into a little girl!)  
  
DAN: "LAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Woo hoo!!!"  
  
(Pushing Simon out of the way, Dan reverses back a few steps, then hits gas again and smashes the car right into an old man.)  
  
DAN: "HELL YEAH! Now that you've knocked out a few more people on the road, you won't feel so bad about the first one anymore!"  
  
SIMON: "(Shouting) You're INSANE!"  
  
-- COMMERCIAL --  
  
(The scene opens with Annie greeting her daughter Mary and Mary's new baby at the front door.)  
  
ANNIE: "(Glowing with joy) MARY! I'm SO happy to see you! (A bit depressed) It's been SUCH a tough week."  
  
MARY: "(Concerned) How's Luce doing?"  
  
ANNIE: "(Starts crying) She's still alive. Things will never be the same, but she's still alive. Look, you just had a baby. You don't need this stress right now. Why don't you go up to the nursery with the baby and take a nap together."  
  
MARY: "That sounds like a good idea, Mom. I am pretty tired."  
  
(The scene switches to the police station. Dan and Simon are in a cell. Capt. Michaels approaches them. Simon can't stop crying.)  
  
DAN: "(Whispering) You know our deal."  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "Yes, sir."  
  
(Capt. Michaels takes out the key and opens the cell door. Dan triumphantly walks out.)  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "Simon. You can come out now."  
  
SIMON: "(Traumatized) NO! I deserve to stay here FOREVER! I deserve to DIE!"  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "It WASN'T your fault, son! (Talking softly) Your only mistake was getting behind the wheel with this MANIAC next to you."  
  
DAN: "(Icily) Hey! That's enough!"  
  
(Dan drags Simon out of the cell. They approach Roxanne on the way out.)  
  
ROXANNE: "(Surprised to see her man) What happened?"  
  
DAN: "Nothing. Ain't that right, Cap?"  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Defeated) Whatever you say."  
  
DAN: "(Arrogantly) Yeah, that's what I thought!"  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "Dan, you can go ahead. However, since Simon is still a minor, I'll have to call one of his parents."  
  
(Dan kisses Roxanne and leaves. The scene switches to Mary upstairs. She is breast-feeding her baby.)  
  
MARY: "(Singing) I love you, little Charles. I love you sooo very much."  
  
(Ruthie, Mary's 13-year-old sister, walks into the room.)  
  
RUTHIE: "Whatcha doing?"  
  
MARY: "(Sarcastically) What does it look like I'm doing?"  
  
RUTHIE: "Isn't it amazing that mothers get their own milk when their babies are born. I can't wait to have my own milk."  
  
MARY: "Don't be too quick to say that, kiddo. This breast-feeding stuff HURTS! A LOT."  
  
(The scene switches back to the police station.)  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "We can't go through to either Simon's mom or dad."  
  
ROXANNE: "(Smiles and wipes her lips) I can take him home if you want, Captain."  
  
(Simon suddenly grabs the Captain's gun and puts it inside his mouth.)  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Frantically) Don't do it, son. Don't do it!"  
  
(A gunshot is heard.)  
  
-- COMMERCIAL --  
  
(The scene opens in the kitchen with Annie yelling at Rev. Eric again.)  
  
ANNIE: "I've gone through too much this week. Martin, Lucy...now the PHONE is broken! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Why can't you ever do anything around here?"  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "(Apologetically) I'm sorry, dear. I know I should help out more."  
  
ANNIE: "(Going crazy) GET OUT! Go somewhere, do something - ANYTHING!"  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "(Trying to smile) You don't really mean that."  
  
ANNIE: "(Shouting) YES, I DO! Go! Go NOW!"  
  
(Dan comes through the door.)  
  
DAN: "Everything okay?"  
  
REV. ERIC CAMDEN: "(Smiling) Couldn't be better. I was just on my way out. My wife needs a little space. I completely understand where she's coming from."  
  
(Eric leaves the house.)  
  
ANNIE: "(Hysterical) OOOH, I just want to SCREAM!"  
  
DAN: "No offense, but you seem a bit crazy. Ever consider taking Zoloft?"  
  
ANNIE: "Excuse me?"  
  
DAN: "Maybe I wasn't quite clear..."  
  
(Dan grabs Annie by the back of the head and covers her mouth with his gloved right hand.)  
  
DAN: "(Hatefully) I've had just about ENOUGH of your PMS! You got WAY too much sand in there, babe."  
  
(Dan smashes Annie's head repeatedly against the kitchen sink.)  
  
-- SMASH --  
-- SMASH --  
-- SMASH --  
-- BANG --  
-- BANG --  
-- BANG --  
-- CRACK --  
-- CRACK --  
-- CRACK --  
  
(Dan finally lets her go. She slumps down to the ground in a bloody heap. Happy, the dog, comes in and starts barking. Dan grabs a butcher knife and slices the animal's head off.)  
  
DAN: "(Mockingly) Woof, woof!"  
  
(The scene switches to the police station. The gun is on the floor and there is a bullet hole in the ceiling. Simon is fine, but crying hysterically. The Captain grabbed the gun away from Simon's mouth at the last second, and in Simon's haste to take the gun back, a bullet ended up being fired into the ceiling. The Capt. approaches Simon.)  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "Son, you could've hurt yourself very badly just a few minutes ago. You have to promise me that you will NEVER do anything like that again!"  
  
SIMON: "(Wiping away his tears) Okay, I promise. But why do I deserve to live? I don't."  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(Forcefully) YES, YOU DO. Look, I can get you help - IF you'll let me."  
  
SIMON: "I just want to stop feeling like this."  
  
CAPT. MICHAELS: "(In an understanding tone) I know, son. I know."  
  
(The scene switches to Mary's room. She is fast asleep. Dan walks through the door quietly, but it's enough to wake Mary up.)  
  
MARY: "(A bit startled) Who are you?"  
  
DAN: "Just a friend of the family's."  
  
MARY: "(Proudly) Did you see my baby?"  
  
DAN: "Maybe he would like to hear a song?"  
  
(Dan turns on the radio. Soft music plays.)  
  
DAN: "You look tired, babe. You should close your eyes."  
  
(Mary closes her eyes and rests peacefully. Then, without warning, Dan covers her mouth, rips open her blouse, and starts sucking the milk from her breasts. The radio can be heard in the background.)  
  
RADIO: "A man who identifies himself only as Dougie was arrested today by the Glen Oak Police Department and sentenced to 20 years in prison for murder and attempted murder."

-- END CREDITS --


End file.
